There was a strange smile on my face － that kind of a smile you can’t control. I never thought I could actually see her in this life. But there she was, waiting for me on a hot summer day. It was like a dream come true.
I was like just another ordinary person to her. There was no twinkle in her eyes when she saw me. But as I saw her, I felt transcendental. It was like a long lost wish suddenly being fulfilled by the Divine.
I drew my hand forward. I wanted to touch her; to see it really wasn’t a dream. With a firm grip, she shook my hand — shook my reality, entirely. I felt loosing gravity behind my feet. I never wanted to let go of her hand.
It was like touching a bundle of cotton covered in silk.
Eternities do happen in a few moments. And if you are not prepared for it, it can beautifully shake your soul to the core.
And then she spoke.
Words I have heard a thousand times before but never felt so magical. I was not able to grasp the possibility of it being real, but at the same time — life had never been so real before.
I always wanted to hear that voice. I never knew listening to her voice can make one feel so alive!
To hide what she actually had to say, she kept speaking intelligence and honesty. Maybe she knew I wasn’t good at decoding the silence.
But there was something in her eyes, storming like a thousand year old volcano, to burst out— to be heard and understood. A voice like a drop of water hears, when splashed on burning coal. A curiosity that makes it vaporize and vanish before it actually understands the last thing it has to hear and bear till eternity and beyond.
I had no new words to say and no new feelings to share. She knew it all too well. She knew it all. She knew everything.
But it was my responsibly to understand the message decoded in her eyes — screaming horribly to be heard.
We walked together. She was walking by my side. It was all real! We kept walking within the same radius around, again and again. Whatever there was within our shadows, was not enough for the entire earth to bear and tolerate. Was it an unbearable burden or a soothing and peaceful happiness, one couldn’t tell.
We sat near a Mosque. Earth couldn’t tolerate our footsteps anymore. She took a leaf of grass and blessed it for me. It was a peculiar kind of a relic. I might need it to gather courage to face the demons. The demons could hurt one beyond the pain real world can offer.
I requested her to write something in my Journal as a memento. She accepted my request. She transcribed some enchantments on the yellow pages. It was a spell to let me read what was within her eyes.
In eyes lies the interpretation of the silence.
One can misunderstand the spoken words, even consciously. One can say, ‘It wasn’t what she meant by what she said’. But the silence of the eyes can’t be misunderstood by one’s heart. She knew no words might repair my sanity after I’ll have access to her heart.
She left me no choice. She no longer wanted me to suffer. I had no choice either. I had to listen what all words of the world couldn’t convey.
I recited the enchantments she scribed on my Journal as I looked deeply into her eyes.
I saw a devil there, in her eyes. The ugliest creature one can ever see. But this devil was not unknown to me. I knew him. I knew him more than I knew anyone else. It was my devil. It was me.
She spoke to me through my own devils. If anyone could have made me understand her better, it was through my own devils. She knew it. She took my demons to guard me from my own devils －from the choices I had made, from the love that was within my heart.
It was cold, soulless and frightening there, but somehow I felt safe.
With the burning rage in his eyes, the devil spoke: Get the hell out of here! How the hell you even thought of it? Do you really think there is any chance here for you? How the hell can you even think a Caliban like you will ever be welcome here! Be real, you stupid! You’re are a worthless, freaking failure one can ever encounter!
And with these words, he threw me out into the illusion of reality.
She was sitting in front of me －calm and peaceful. How can one be so calm with such horrifying beasts inside her eyes, inside her heart!
I was stupefied. I couldn’t dare to look into those eyes again.
‘Survive’. I heard a voice. It was not from her eyes. It was like the earth and the sky trying to warn me again something.
I closed my eyes to look into my heart and find my own demons.
They were gone.
‘Survive’ I heard someone there, in the depths of my damned heart. It was an angel. Pure white, shining so bright that I had to cover my eyes. It was her voice. She was here to protect my heart from my own devils.
The Angel spoke: Survive. She has given it all. She trusted in humans. She expected. She cared with all her pure heart. She loved. But she’s tortured her for the love she bestowed upon humanity. She too fought for the love but humans failed her. She is surviving.
She’s destroyed thousands of humans in revenge for what they did to her. Her heart was like a coldest, darkest stone in the depths of endless darkness— until you fell in love with her. It was your love for her darkness and nothingness that bought her back from the ashes. Your love reminded her long forgotten nature. She can’t trust humans again. She can’t feel love anymore. It makes her weak and vulnerable. It can’t happen again. You have to survive like her. Yes, without her. And without Love!
I opened my eyes. She was there like nothing had happened at all －calm and peaceful.
It’s time, She said. We stood up. There was no shadow on the earth. We took a little walk.
She spoke of things we spoke in the beginning － when I first came to know she exists. She spoke of creation and the great flood, of relations, family, friends and of nothingness.
I wish I could tell her I can’t stop loving her but knew it already.
But I guess the thing is to keep loving and expect nothing in return －not even nothingness. The thing is to never give up on love; to always keep in mind —not everyone you love can love you back. And survive!
She drew her hand forward. It was so soft that when I closed my eyes I wasn’t even sure I was even touching it.
She said and left.